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a warning to all, here there be SPOILERS. please do not continue if you're not up-to-date with all available HARRY POTTER movies and books.



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2005 12 11 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 2004 12 11 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 2003 11






April 2010

The Alot is an imaginary creature that I made up to help me deal with my compulsive need to correct other people's grammar.  It kind of looks like a cross between a bear, a yak and a pug, and it has provided hours of entertainment for me in a situation where I'd normally be left feeling angry and disillusioned with the world.

The Alot from hyperboleandahalf

December 2009

Twas the night before Christmas (12:01 A.M. 12/25) and all through the (single family, joisted masonry, E.C. 3, territory 44, PC 5) house,
Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse (through pride of ownership and excellent maintenance).

The (flame retardant) stockings were hung by the (contractor installed) chimney with care,
In hopes that St.Nicholas would soon be there (in spite of dead-bolt locks and central station alarm system).

Insurance humor, email circulated, source unknown

August 2009

"DID YOU SAY CAKES? Did you say Forty of them?"

brilliant followup

May 2009

"When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes. he took 40 cakes. That's as many as four tens. And that's terrible."

srsly, where did i find this??

March 2009

On J2 chemistry:

John Shiban: And the second thing, honestly, is casting and chemistry. And chemistry is
something you cannot manufacture. These guys have it and they are so great to write for .
[Jared looks at Jensen and leans in to kiss him, but Jensen points to the audience which breaks into cheer and goes wild]
Jared Padalecki: Worth a try, worth a try.

Paley fest, quoted here

February 2009

#20. Alton Brown's cakes don't rise. They ascend.
#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby's 'Horsey Sauce'. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.

Alton Brown is this awesome

December 2008

Insurance agents as hunters

Coworker A: Hah, oh but what if there are vampires who don't like the werewolves and are trying to frame them so that people will hunt down the werewolves and get rid of their problem? So it's actually vampire attacks made to look like werewolf ones.

Me: *scoffs* I'd like to think I could tell the difference, A. Honestly, I may not have the *practice* but I'm knowledgeable on the lore enough to know.

Coworker A: C'mon, werewolf/vampire hatred is legendary. They totally would do that. I'm much more inclined to believe a werewolf is misunderstood than a vampire. And vampires are definitely conniving enough to think of it and pull it off. Then they can use the cover of "animal attacks" to feed as much as they want in the area, and the humans will still blame the werewolves.

Me: *rolls eyes* All I'm hearing is 'blah blah werewolves are people, too.'
Whatever, dude. Vampires are just as maligned by popular culture and stories made up to scare little kids into not going out at night and not giving it up to broody Eastern European strangers. Urban legends, is all.

Coworker A: Hah :P Granted they both could be terribly misunderstood, however vampires, by nature have to take life (or at least some blood) to survive. It's only in crazy moldy rye-bread induced European legends that says werewolves eat human flesh. All the ones (like Asian or Native American) that seem more accurate, don't eat people, so honestly. Trust something that is more than likely going to want to drink your blood or worse all the time? Or a man/wolf who'd rather just be left alone to run around in the woods with the slight chance that once a month they might want to eat you a bit?

Me: While it may not be in their nature to *want* to eat poeple, I think the lack of control that such a change would most likely induce would be enough to put any person in the wrong place at the wrong time in a good deal of danger, whereas a vampire isn't guaranteed to kill to be able to sustain itself.
I try to give blood every 2 months, and have given 3 gallons so far. I haven't died yet.

Coworker A: Yeah, but a hungry vampire on a bad night is just as dangerous as a werewolf (going by the European idea which I don't think would be accurate) on a really bad night.

Me: I think we're just going to go in circles on this. There's too many varying legends and too many possible variations of each creature to make a definitive ruling one way or another.
I say if something pops up in the news that someone's been mauled or killed that it'd warrant investigation, and I can't imagine I'd jump to any conclusions without hearing some kid of witness testimony or talking my way into a morgue to see what actually happened by assuming a lame classic rock pseudonym as a cover.
So we'll agree to disagree, and I'll be sure to consult my findings with you, if you're unable to come along yourself, that is. Deal?

Coworker A: Hah awesome okay. Agree to dissagree until
we can meet some (or find and observe without interacting cause it could
be dangerous :P)
.. honestly we just need to get degrees in cryptozoology and travel
around with this stuff... cause working here is so boring that it's
making us have this debate :P

Me: Very very true. If we could find some way to parlay this knowledge into a respectable living, that'd be ideal.

A & I

June 2008


Savage Chickens

April 2008

They're blasting next door to our office:


November 2007

But it is in this episode that we find my favorite Simpsons line ever. It's neat to know Groening's (From the monorail ep, where Homer has the family of possums in the closet- "I call the big one Bitey.") But my favorite line ever?

"I've created Lutherans."

thinking of the Simpsons

September 2007

You are like a rockstar...only in Dutch.

internet quiz

August 2007


the origins of lolcats

April 2007

We go in, I buy tickets (my turn!), Kim cracks a joke at my expense...

"2 '23', please?"
"No, dude, it's 6-something."

Yeah. So we head the 6 feet to the concessions stand, and the guy behind the ticket counter ducks out, passes us, saying "The concessions person will be right with you."

Now, I didn't want to get my hopes up, waiting for a joke that wouldn't come, but, yes. He did.

Dude slips behind the concessions stand, washes his hands and pops up across the counter from us. "What can I get you?"

Freakin' classic, man. I'm so easily amused, but it was delivered well.

real life funny

October 2006

LJ Daily Answers: 2 October 2006

"Fucking Scabbers!" - darksidebitca, summing up both the theme and every Harry Potter-related comment quite nicely, we find.

quoted again at the ljdq

September 2006

"Your boy Malfoy is 19 today."
I pause, frown, head into her room.
"It's your boy Malfoy's birthday today. He's 19."
Thoughts are running through my head, and I spoke the first of them.
"But. OH! Felton!" (Meaning the actor that *plays* Malfoy, for the non-HP-obsessed)
Kim agrees. And I foolishly explain:
"I was confused, 'cause Malfoy's birthday's in June."
"You know that?"

kim & i

August 2006

Resolution #1: I must accept that Super-Gluing valuable coins to the sidewalk and then watching events from a nearby café is not proper demonic activity.
Resolution #1: Spread peace and love and glad tidings of great joy throughout the world. Also try to get out more.

Stolen shamelessly from HarperCollins

June 2006

Apparantly, two films are currently being made in the same area/town... Neil Gaiman's Stardust... and the current Bond film. *blinks* Best of all- this Sunday is a football match between them.

And the idea of a Stardust vs Bond football match keeps running through my head, "...and it's Ernst Stavros Blofeld and he passes to Felix Leiter and... oh, he just got turned into a goat. And there's a cluster of excited ghosts over by the goal-mouth, one of them just ran through Le Chifre, and the ball, the ball's gone up..."

From Neil Gaiman's blog

For any republicans who might be reading this, imagine how you would feel if there was an amendment that banned all uses of the phrase "git-r-done."

Sure, you might be able to get through life without it, but things wouldn't be the same, would they? A piece of your soul would be missing. You'd feel like a second-class citizen. I can empathize. "Git-r-done" isn't simply a "lifestyle choice." It's something deep in your psyche, something you were born with. Without "git-r-done," you'd be half a person.

That's exactly how gay people feel, except they like butt sex instead of idiot, redneck comedians.

So here's the deal: stop getting so worked up about the sodomy, or Larry The Cable Guy gets shot in the face.

Thank you and goodnight.

From cheesegimp's livejournal, via metaquotes

May 2006

T-Rex is impressing everyone with random facts about other people (dinosaurs!) they know:

T-Rex: I am making life interesting! Also, did you know the Devil likes grape juice from concentrate?

from the telling secrets about all your friends and deities comics! by Ryan North of

April 2006

Some Underground Lair

[Evey wakes up in a strange bed with no idea how she got there, and “Cry Me a River” is playing sadly, surreally on a jukebox in another room, and it's all one midget away from a David Lynch production.]

V: Welcome to my lair! Let me show you around!
EVEY: Wow!
V: My library of forbidden books!
EVEY: Ooo! V: My dizzyingly eclectic collection of censored artwork!
EVEY: I like the colors!
V: And here’s my cherished My First Wedding Evey doll! Look, it’s life-size!
V: JUST KIDDING! Oh, you’re also going to have to stay here. For, you know, a whole year, because they think you’re my partner in terrorism now. My bad.
V: Hey, where are you going?

from V for Vendetta in 15 Minutes by the ever-phenomenal Cleolinda

March 2006

7. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students.

11. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

25. I am not allowed to bother Snape.
-Dumbledore does not have 'naked time'.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I do not get any flying monkeys when I graduate.

from 50 Things I Am Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts, by atalantapendrag

February 2006

Thus far we've seen Dickface, Albert Einstein, Bud and Lou, Roadrunner, Rudy, Agatha Christie (the only one named for her real name, 'cause I thought Agatha was cute), Fleabiscuit... they keep subbing in dogs we hadn't seen before, so we're having a rough time of it.

from my livejournal, a discussion of Animal Planet's Puppybowl

January 2006

yeah... he needs like a caution sign or something, seriously.

from a reaction to a certain photo and the ensuing conversation

December 2005

calvin & hobbes ftw

from the marvelous set of calvin & hobbes snowman strips

November 2005

VOLDEMORT: Now I call my Death Eaters to me. Lucius, I know that's you, I can see your flowing platinum locks from under your mask.

LUCIUS: Er, if I had just caught one whiff of your cologne, my lord...

VOLDEMORT: Liar. I called your house and you said 'I'm sorry, this is Mallory's Pizza Parlour' and hung up. Bitchass.

DUMBLEDORE: He's been keeping the real Moody locked up in a box and - Good Lord, that's a little bit kinky.

CROUCH JNR: Eeeeverything I do is a little bit kinky. Has anyone noticed I'm dark, intense, leather-clad and now restrained to a chair?

SNAPE: ... I did, actually.

HARRY: These films have gone totally hardcore.

from a Goblet of Fire parody by mistful

September 2005

3. What Gilbert and Sullivan operetta tells the story of the unfortunate Frederic and his courtship of Mabel, the Major-General's daughter?

"Is that the one Sideshow Bob sings in the Simpsons? It's got to be, 'cause it's the only showtune in my head with that 'Major General' thing in there." - darksidebitca

(Is there no end to the things that can be learned from The Simpsons? -AL)

(Apparently, there is. Because Sideshow Bob is actually singing 'HMS Pinafore' in that episode. darksidebitca is in good company though: also receiving -1 for not knowing Pirates from Pinafore are spritelydelight, akiyasan, technoinfidel, and _rikiki. -C).

from ljdq, but they totally quoted me!

August 2005

ETA more: My plan for after the exam (wasn't carried out. I chickened.)

*returns to Movie Gallery, documentation of imminent license in hand*

I'm gonna burn this place down and pee-pee on the ashes!


*Godzillas the pvms*

*harasses new staff*

*pokes mean customers*

from my livejournal, after passing my insurance licensing exam

Thu, Aug 4, 2005 Eric HOLY DEAD DUMBLEDORE, BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

from an email from Wisconsin

July 2005

And finally:

McGonagall started at the noise. "Who are you? Show yourself!" she demanded.

A figure dressed entirely in white came out of the shadows of the Headmistress' office.

"It cannot be! You fell! "Through fire and water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak, I fought him, the Defence Against the Dark Arts Profes..."

"Didn't you just get zapped and fall off the Astronomy Tower?"

"Don't interrupt, Minerva. Now, where was I? Oh, right. Darkness took me. And I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and each day was as long as a life age of the earth. But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done."

"Oh." Minerva looked crestfallen. "You'll want the office back, then."!

From the "fandom go boom" that was fandom_wank, by kenboy

Also? 7/21/05 brought us part 2 of the JKR interview... Yes. That one... the... deluded one.

June 2005



Darth Vader: i get my own theme music? being on the dark side ROXORS!

From iharthdarth's On The Imperial March

May 2005

Dumbledore: word, harry! yo mama! heh!
Harry: mum died
Dumbledore: awkwaaard...

From wizzart's i been avada kedarva'd 9 times, y0

April 2005

Not a quote, per se, but a recollection of a purer, simpler time...

March 2005

10:15. Best Director: "UP ON STAGE, BITCHES!" Cates is panicking because he now has ten minutes to bring the show in on time, or ABC will execute his wife and children at an undisclosed location. Out in the audience, Mike Leigh is like, "Fuck all y'all, I'm staying right here!" Taylor Hackford and Alexander Payne, who also know the score, have joined Okonedo and Sandino Moreno in the parking lot, so it's just Martin Scorsese and Clint Eastwood up on stage. Tim Robbins announces that Eastwood wins Best Director, and Scorsese bursts into tears. Eastwood's all bitter, like, "Well, I don't want it now!" Somewhere in New Zealand, Peter Jackson's watching the Oscars on his lunch break all like, "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

From Cleolinda's Oscar Predictions

February 2005

[She goes over to the Phantom and touches his face and he seems to dig it.]

CHRISTINE: So, I’m gonna take your mask off.


CHRISTINE: Peeling it off as we speak.

THE PHANTOM: Ten-four.

CHRISTINE: It’s totally coming off.

THE PHANTOM: Sure, have a party.

THE MASK: *comes off*


CHRISTINE: But I—you said—

CARLOTTA [shoving Christine]: Outta mah way, toad!


CARLOTTA: I am so gladda to have my throata spritz!

[The Phantom has switched Carlotta’s throat spray with something ass-nasty. Let’s see if she notices.]

Both from The Phantom of the Opera in Fifteen Minutes

January 2005

Kim just made dinner for herself. Of course, she just "made" her famous "phone call to the pizza place", but she counts it as making dinner, so I'm recording it for posterity.

How sad that I'm quoting myself?

December 2004

Don't cry for me The Cheat-intina

From SBEmail 109

November 2004

Obvious exits are: North, South and Dennis

From Strongbad's text game on H*R

Outside, Kate's clearing out the collapsed-once-already tunnel, even as Mercutio tries to get her to take a break (this after we've seen a couple of shots to indicate how exhausted everyone else is, just so we're clear about how intent Kate is here). Kate just glares at him and keeps going. Shut up, Mercutio! She's a good digger!
("Actually, I don't think I've ever heard Bart listen to one of your albums." "Shut up, Marge! He's a good digger!")

From Lost: The Moth on Television Without Pity

August 2004

I'm the new J Lo.

Random quote from kimberlysghost

July 2004

you there?
...guess not...
...did i just say that...
*does cartwheels around his house until his head falls off*
*then he pastes it back on, just so he can yell...*

From a series of IMs from movie_freak2010

BRIAN: You know, you have, like, a one in a billion chance of dying in a plane crash.

PILOT: Thank you for flying Lucky Odds Airlines! Today’s kinda special for us, as this is our one billionth flight, and we’ve never had a crash yet!


BRIAN: Look, if worst comes to worst, at least you’re in the plane and the engine isn’t going to fall on you.

SAM: You’re not helping, man.

From The Day After Tomorrow in Fifteen Minutes

June 2004


FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring.

SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.

FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat.

SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...

FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.

SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.

FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.

FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.

SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...

From LOTR:TTT The Condensed Parody Version

May 2004

Dom: Billy's a unique guy. I'm just blessed to have met him.

Billy: Dom's an idiot.

From a random interview on the LOTR:FOTR EE dvd, more funnies here

Paris is practicing archery on a nice straw man nailed up to the wall. He hits bull's-eye after bull's-eye.

HELEN: Wow, I had no idea you were so good at this.

PARIS: Neither did I. Weird, isn’t it? And I really want lembas now.

HELEN: What?

From Troy in Fifteen Minutes

"Hey, Numfar!" Draco hollered. "Do the dance of my mother is a deceitful bitch who likes to torture people!"
Ironically, Numfar started dancing.
"Is there a dance for everything?" Ron whispered.

From Snake Charming, part of the Drop in the Ocean 'verse

April 2004


Isn't this great? Them walking around in this world... this completely different world...of New Zealand...

Yeah, it's really pretty.

It is...

Minutes pass.

AUDIENCE, uh, gonna do something any time soon?

Huh? Oh, right, action. How about some monsters?

From The Editing Room's Lord of the Rings Abridged Script

Day 58 Have to go to stupid Death Eater's reunion tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Hate everybody I used to know there anyhow. Have to bring a dish to pass...probably will make a cheesecake.
Day 59 Reunion was a disaster. Hardly anyone showed (mostly because they were in jail) and Avery got drunk and ruined the nice centerpiece on the buffet table. Worse luck, I forgot to bring the cheesecake. Still, was glad to see that most everyone else was going slightly bald, whereas I was the best- looking wizard there.

From the Secret Diaries of Hogwarts, Snape's entry

Day 87 Harry and Ron got into Slytherin commons using Potion, but I was turned into a cat-girl by mistake and stayed behind. During the space of one hour, was visited by no less than four hundred drooling fanboys who kept asking me to wear a giant bell around my neck and say "Nyao?" while curling one paw by the side of my head. Refused and turned them all into cockroaches, which I think was an improvement. Ron and Harry reported back soon to say that the Slytherin common room was "really grody" and the password to get in was "Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nagz gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul."

From the Secret Diaries of Hogwarts: Book Two, Hermione's entry

Day Three Million Seven: I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these days.
Day Three Million Nine: ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING! later.. Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their elbows from asshats, that is.

From the Very Secret Diaries, Sauron's entry

March 2004

Harry: "It was a nightmare. Okay, maybe not at first. Initially, I really liked the way he took charge."
Cordy: "Doyle?! Took charge."
Harry: "It was sweet. But after a while, I mean, I know how to cut my own meat, thanks. Sometimes it felt like I was one of his students."
Cordy: "That's funny, for a moment I thought you said one of Doyle's students?"
Harry: "It wasn't fun being treated like a third grader, believe me."
Cordy: "Grade third taught Doy.. (Waves her hand and tries again) Doyle taught third grade? The kind with children?"
Harry: "Yeah."
Cordy: "Are you sure he wasn't just held back and used that as his cover story?"
Harry: "Francis got his teaching credentials before we even met at the food bank.."
Cordy: "Okay, soup kitchen. Now that sounds like the Doyle I've come to know and revile. - And you're just about to tell me he ran it, aren't you?"
Harry: "He was just a volunteer. - That's where he got the idea for the 'You Are The World' thing. (Cordy looks at her in shock) I'm kidding about that part."
Aunt Martha: "Come on girls, it's pornographic pictionary time!"
Harry to Cordy: "Their ways are *not* - our ways."

From Angel, season 1 episode 7

February 2004

They run across a toppling bridge. A BALROG rears up behind them.
GANDALF: It's okay; I've got this one. Balrog, Flame of Udun, good evening. As a duly designated representative of the country of Middle-earth, I order you to cease any and all evil supernatural activities and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension!
ARAGORN: Yeah, that ought to do it. Thanks, Gandalf.

From FOTR, condensed film script

"You're like... you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever. Ohh... he's alive, Frodo. He's alive."

Andrew, from Angel, season 5 episode 11

January 2004

Cliegg: It's nice to see you back, Ani, but your mom was carried off by sexually abusive bandaged nomads a month ago. Care for a muffin?
Amidala: You're not looking so good, Ani...want me to get you anything?
Anakin: Bring me Darth Maul's speeder, my lightsaber and some angry-sounding John Williams.

From Puppet Movie Theatre

"Honey," called Lily Potter from inside the house, "what’s going on?"
"I don’t know," called back James, "There was a flaming Chia Pet on our doorstep."
"A what?"
"Flaming Chia Pet. Don’t worry, I stomped it out. And I think I hear some girl in our bushes." "Or..." started Lenore from the bushes, "Wait, he already said girl, didn’t he?"
"That was not a girl!" shouted Lord Voldemort. "It was I! LORD VOLDEMORT. Know me and know fear"
"GET OFF MY LAWN!" shouted James Potter.

From Once Upon a Freakin' Time

November 2003

While backing out of my roomie's mom's driveway (she lives around the corner from us), I happened to pull onto the left hand side of the road.

"Hey! It's like we're in England!"
"I hope you get pulled over, and that's the excuse you give the cops. 'Heehee, we're in England, heehee!'"
"I said it's *like* we're in England. I know we're not in England."
"Don't correct me."

My roommate: (taunting the mini-Cujo downstairs through the window)

"Ha ha! I'm here and you're there"